I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Randomize
