Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
