note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
