Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
two words...techno handjob
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
