i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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