This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize