i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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