I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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