I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
