I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
