life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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