ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
