Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
