you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
