I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
