my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
