His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
