its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
