A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
