i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
