This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
