genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
