I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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