hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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