So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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