I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize