I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
