can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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