weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
