I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You are a genius and a whore.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
