the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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