I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize