Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
