Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
