Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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