if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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