you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
