my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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