bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
