saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
