This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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