Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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