During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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