woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
