I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
