I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
