Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
