I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
