My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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