Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
