My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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