last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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