God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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