So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
BRING THE BAGELS
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
