I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
