My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
