I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
