so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize